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Here I Am Now

by Fred Kelly

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1.
supermarket traffic we're blocking access to the bread I almost dropped the basket cause you didn't ask before you leaned in you insist on kissing me in public and you know I mind I feel exposed and defenseless to strange eyes but you have you put me on display cause you only love me in the California way the California way the California way the California way you only love me in the California L.A. is what you make it if you hustle hard enough I think you think you can shape me into whoever you want I'm not that land of potential, but you treat me just the same you only love me in the California way the California way the California way the California way you only love me in the California it's taken some time to realize you're looking for a warmth I can't provide but I promise that you'll feel it the moment you experience the Hollywood sunshine it breaks my Boston heart to have to say but you only love me in the California way the California way the California way the California way you only love me in the California
2.
Reinvention 02:26
3 clicks and I'm porcelain compute my pimples away I post a fictional person that a laptop made A perfect day for reinvention A perfect day for reinvention to give a shit about perception or just change He looks just like me but 10% better I bet he speaks Spanish correctly and the Beatles are still together He looks just like me but he's always on time He answers messages in minutes, so why am I so scared to check mine? A perfect day for reinvention A perfect day for reinvention to give a shit about perception or just change All this mythmaking he's more real than me replaced in your memories, I'm gone but I can leave an hour earlier respond to people sooner climb out of the computer A perfect day for reinvention A perfect day for reinvention [solo] A perfect day for reinvention A perfect day for reinvention to give a shit about perception or just change
3.
The red-haired lady leads the hymns I'm barely filling in a tiny starchy button-down yesterday I read about the mortal sins A dry communion wafer I need a glass of water but God just won't forgive, I thought His love was infinite it's smaller More like plastic mercy not as hard to muster plastic mercy a shallow creature comfort painted on the surface, you could confuse for kindness plastic mercy I bet she's picking at the bread and I missed the train again slink in half an hour late too ashamed to touch my plate, I'm penitent she says she really doesn't mind seems like everyone is so polite until I see the signs Of plastic mercy not as hard to muster plastic mercy a shallow creature comfort painted on the surface, you could confuse for kindness plastic mercy I know that I should believe her when she says that she forgives me maybe I was late for dinner but I'm not innately guilty and by now I've couched for years to learn a little self compassion or at least an imitation so I try it on and show myself some Plastic mercy not as hard to muster plastic mercy a harmless creature comfort painted on the surface even I deserve it plastic mercy is mercy, is mercy
4.
I've never had a Tetris dream I try to not get too immersed in something That follows me into my sleep I leave for work in the middle of the night When we're done with the boxes the skin on my hands is dry The Tetris players dream in towers and now I'm seeing things in item numbers after hours Cause my eyes are color code 505 Like a blouse I've folded a thousand times My eyes are color code 505 505 A hundred chiseled faces in the break room catalogs And I've cursed my double chin for so long I gave a television myth the keys to my car He said "be pretty, or be nothing at all" But my eyes are color code 505 Like a blouse I've folded a thousand times My eyes are color code 505 505 And I might never learn to hush the part me that doesn't feel deserving of love and I still bristle at the phrase "beautiful in your own way" but I know that I am pretty enough Cause my eyes are color code 505 Like a blouse I've folded a thousand times My eyes are color code 505 505
5.
Why are there so many Songs about rainbows And what's on the other side Rainbows are visions but only illusions And rainbows have nothing to hide So we've been told and some chose to Believe it But I know they're wrong wait and see Someday we'll find it The Rainbow Connection The lovers, the dreamers and me Who said that every wish Would be heard and answered When wished on the morning star Somebody thought of that And someone believed it And look what it's done so far What's so amazing That keeps us star gazing What so we think we might see Someday we'll find it That Rainbow Connection The lovers the dreamers and me Have you been fast asleep And have you heard voices, I've heard them calling my name Is this the sweet sound that calls The young sailors The voice might be one and the same I've heard it too many times to ignore it It's something that I'm supposed to be Someday we'll find it The rainbow connection The lovers, the dreamers and me La lala la lala la la la lala la la la

about

So many people to thank for helping make this record happen: Mom, Dad and Caro, Brennan Wedl for being an invaluable co-writer and sounding board, Sebastian Zel and Tired Lights for their pop arrangement advice, Alasdair Mackenzie for making a nervous live recording sound amazing, Esperanza Spalding for reminding me what language is for, Sidney Gish for sharing her part-writing secrets, Joe Kerwin and Rob Capodilupo for listening to 10 versions of every song on the record (and many songs not on the record), Claire Dickson, Matt Burmeister, Johnny Nicholl, and Max Grazier for helping me start writing songs again, Sam Robbins for having faith in my writing, Cole Szilagyi for putting up with my yapping about Jon Brion and playing a sweet G&L, Prof. Jason Mitchell for teaching me how to be scientifically happy, Taylor Swift apologist Dr. Mira Lindner for her immense kindness, Jack, Jimmy, and Sam, Constantine, the Currier gang. And, of course, Kermit the Frog.

credits

released January 8, 2020

Lyrics by Fred Kelly, Brennan Wedl
Music by Fred Kelly, Brennan Wedl, Sebastian Zel, and Tired Lights
Photo by Constantine Goulandris

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Fred Kelly Boston, Massachusetts

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