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New Conscience

by Fred Kelly

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1.
Everything we ever wanted lay in front of us and all we ever had to do was just pretend sleep is for the weak and only on the weekends sacrifice our evenings and our afternoons But I don't know what to do I feel set up to lose I'm flying blind and running on fumes But I made it here in one piece my eyes are begging for some sleep and them someone throws a marker at me someone throws a marker at me and I know it wasn't what he means but every awful week blends into one I'm stuck on repeat Wouldn't mind the grind if it ever ended What am I gonna find when it never does Wouldn't mind the grind if it brought me somewhere else Far away from here and close to you My life is passing me by five out of seven days I'm gonna run out of time where I can make mistakes My futures on a couple sheets of paper you can believe what you want That it all depends upon your state of mind Here's mine Wouldn't mind the grind if it ever ended What am I gonna find when it never does Wouldn't mind the grind if it brought me somewhere else Far away from here and close to you And far from here and close to you
2.
The tired eyes of another sleepless night skin bleached by artificial light a mind of ash Coffee with milk, no sugar but a couple cubes of spite and the dread that weighs like lead on my insides Tripping over the unassembled pieces of the adult I should be by now Kick aside the reams of paper full of the letters I’ll never write fight my way through the hanging doubts that I’m not cut out to make it on my own Cut out to make it on my own Not cut out to make it on my own Scrap metal crow perched by my bedside fly through my window and eat the crickets keeping me up Scrap metal crow won’t you offer me wisdom your loyal shadow shields me from the lamppost outside Pockets full of folded tissues for the melted brain that’s dripping out my nose all day onto my shirt Headphones for the times I need to drown this voice of mine until these taxing thoughts subside and quiet remains Tripping over the unassembled pieces of the adult I should be by now Kick aside the reams of paper full of the letters I’ll never write fight my way through the hanging doubts that I’m not cut out to make it on my own Cut out to make it on my own Not cut out to make it on my own
3.
The world is a great place to be That is false I'd rather be no one but me That is false I'm healthy and lucky and happy indeed That is false, that is false I'm doing fine carrying on That is false The voices in my head are wrong That is false You find inner peace by existing alone That is false, that is false He looks out for me from the sky That is false The folks who think I'm a great guy That is false The thought of running off has never crossed my mind That is false, that is false And I'm loving the length of my hair That is false I'm loving the taste of the air That is false When struggle and pressure comes too much to bear I turn off the lights and just be.
4.
Trenched in order Trembling for the Wandering from trajectory Stepping off the Tracks beneath my feet To meet what waits for me And tomorrow's uncertain But I'll give it my best shot Until there's nothing left of me Just a trail of fossils Former selves that have since Evolved Draw on my sneakers with pen to break associations Never a moment to spare Take my hand, we're basically there We're basically there Basically there Basically there Crimson Carpet Drywall painted grey Lit up like Christmas eve Lying on the spot Still warm from you And smiling inwardly
5.
365 02:15
In five years time I'll remember sixteen And look back dreamy eyes at the happy boy I used to be Last night I cried in the shower again Hope I didn't wake my family, I don't want to worry them Yet people say these are the easiest years of our lives Something took hold of me in seventh grade And put dread in my stomach that still hasn't faded away This illness I've nurtured is part of me now Took four years of hard work but I'm certain it's part of me now And it's hard to explain but at times I don't want to get better My mind's an unreliable, sentimental prick With an eye for the sorry nostalgia I'm wallowing in No matter how badly I want to backwards The only thing I'm in control of right now is the future So like I've said each September that I still remember This'll be my year, I can feel it.
6.
Song be Daniel Johnston on 'Hi, How Are You?' (1983) Trying to remember, But my feelings can’t know for sure. Try to reach out But it’s gone... Lucky stars in your eyes... I’m walking the cow... I really don’t know how I came here... I really don’t know why I’m staying here... Oh, Oh, Oh. I’m walking the cow... Tried to point my finger, But the wind keeps blowing me around In circles...circles... Lucky stars in your eyes... I’m walking the cow... I really don’t know what I have to fear... I really don’t know why I have to care... Oh, Oh, Oh. I’m walkin’ the cow... Lucky stars in your eyes...
7.
Listen to me now You can let go of my arm The skin is white under the indentations of your fingers You're grabbing at my shirt You're gonna rip it in the same place As all the others I know that you love me And I know you mean well But there are consequences Keep on getting older But I'm not growing up They are consequences I'm getting good marks I'm checking the boxes But there's this chasm still There are somethings That don't make sense now but did then And I know every one One word answers And a dishonest smile Don't look at your shoes at me Can't you see I'm working I might die inside these walls I can't let that happen There are some things That don't make sense now but did then And I know every one
8.
A still mind finds me Only between buildings At night A pea coat and black hat The air is beautiful cold This time I always notice the brilliant red of the taillights of the car ahead of mine And I love this city with all of my might and my head and my heart combined An anxious mind now rooted to the ground Parting clouds of certain certainty It's good to know that I can stick around What I'd give to be eight again The crosswalk tells me to wait And I do I don't mind waiting for you This sidewalk is home This city is home I always notice the brilliant red of the taillights of the car ahead of mine And I love this city with all of my might and my head and my heart combined An anxious mind now rooted to the ground Parting clouds of certain certainty It's good to know that I can stick around What I'd give to be eight again Oxidized lion painted over green Sidewalk over a tunnel and the cars below me Bright neon light reflected off brick and pavement The sunset and bench where I asked you if we were a thing
9.
Silhouette 02:07
Silhouette by the sun shining I'm Fred when you're beside me Undone, tattered knots of worry Smoothed out by your slender fingers You deserve a happily ever after You deserve a happily ever after Look inside my head and see our own apartment Help me turn within into without On old plastic the city flies past it We'll have two rabbits Won't you come with me, darling?
10.
I don't know what's left to say I guess my best was less than great but that's all I could ever ask of myself I don't know what's left to say Time passes and imaginations change when I took off glasses that had slowly covered in dust Things would have ended by either awkward conversation or by wicked scythe it goes against the story in my heart to think there's no such thing as everlasting love

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released March 19, 2016

Written, Performed, and Mixed by Fred Kelly
Thanks to Sam, Johnny, Max, Nick, Colin, Sebby and Ryan for their constant support and constantly lending me their ears to bounce mix ideas off of.

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Fred Kelly Boston, Massachusetts

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